Dark Shadows shows that you can’t get blood from
a turnip…a poorly written, poorly executed turnip
I like the
term “exception to the rule”. It is thrown around a lot in life but it really
comes in handy when you are talking about entertainment. There are some
remakes/reimagined films that are the “exception”. Friday the 13th (2009) , Dawn of the Dead (2004) and 3:10
to Yuma (2007) are all movies that were, at their worst, on par with their
source material. Even 21 Jump Street
(2012), while deviating drastically from the original television show, still
offered a fun movie. So it is always with a heavy heart when I watch a movie
that is “the rule” when it comes to making bad remakes. This movie is one of
the worst offenders.
Storyline:
Barnabas Collins (Depp) is a successful business man and has helped build the
town of Collinsport with his family’s successful fishing empire. When he shuns
the advances of Eva Green (Bouchard), a witch, she curses him to live for
eternity as a vampire. She has the town’s people encase him in a coffin for 200
years until he is accidently set free by construction workers in 1972. When he
awakes he returns to his beloved home, Collinwood Manor, to find that his
beautiful mansion has fallen into ruins, his family is on the brink of losing
everything that he worked so hard for, and the witch that cursed him is still
alive and has taken over the town. Barnabas vows to return the family back to
the glory that they once came from…by any means necessary.
There is
only so much a man can to do save a movie. Depp, while incredibly talented, can
only carry some of the movie and then the writing has to carry it the rest of
the way. This movie just fell flat. Depp gives some fantastic one-liners, he
plays the part as well as it could have been played, and he puts this movie on
his back and totes it for almost two hours. That is all that anyone can ask
from a single actor.
The problem with this movie is, pretty
specifically, Tim Burton. He is so out of touch that this kind of movie
shouldn’t even be on his radar any longer. Since Planet of the Apes (2001),
Burton has produced more flops than fish out of water. I think that he is the
biggest problem with this movie. This is most easily noticed in the clumsily
directed “love” scene between Barnabas and Eva Green in which he uses a
treasure chest of gimmicks to try to make it look dangerous and exciting. It
just comes off as bad and boring.
Worth the
admission? No. Do yourself a favor and skip it. You will thank me. Paying
someone to punch you in the face would be a better investment…and less painful.
Let
me know what you thought of the movie.
No comments:
Post a Comment