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Friday, October 5, 2012

(Movie Review) Resident Evil : Retribution (2012)


Resident Evil: Retribution is less fun than watching a sack full of puppies drown….slowly

 

One of the coolest video games that I can remember playing when I was younger was Resident Evil. It was released in 1997 and, honestly, was the greatest thing that I had ever played at that point in my life. It was extremely well designed, had lots of puzzles and tricks, was one of the first games that I can remember where you had to conserve your ammunition, and was easily the scariest thing in the world to play with the lights off. Either that or “Bloody Mary”. So with all of those wonderful things going for it you would think that it could continue to produce interesting movies. Unfortunately this installment reminded me more of the night that I was playing the game barefoot and stepped on a piece of broken glass.

Storyline: Alice (Jovovich) wakes up inside of an Umbrella facility and must find a way to break free from her captors. While trying to escape she finds many of her past friends, some that were thought to be dead, have returned to confront her. While on the run she begins to see how badly the T-Virus has continue to destroy the world and just how far the power of Umbrella can reach.

There is a surreal moment that I experience when I realize that a movie is going to be horrible. It’s that moment where you start to look around at the rest of the audience and see if their facial expressions have that same look of disappointment that you can feel on your own. Luckily, after about fifteen minutes of having that feeling, I noticed that everyone was sharing my pain with me. Not since the disastrously unwatchable film Ultraviolet (also a Milla Jovovich film) was released have I had to fight the overwhelming urge to throw my drink at the screen and storm out. This movie is the equivalent of the yellow Starburst that no one seems to ever want, it’s the full tray of butter cookies sitting beside an empty tray that once held chocolate chip, it’s the fruitcake that no one ate at Christmas….this movie is unenjoyable!

Worth the admission? NEVER! I would rather be infected with the T-Virus than to recommend this movie to someone. Vomiting leaves less of a bad aftertaste than this movie did. The first two movies in this franchise were really fun, the third was getting a little far fetched (even for the subject matter), the fourth was bad and this one was unwatchable. At this rate of decomposition the idea for the sixth movie (which they have already said WILL be made) will be to have someone stand in the lobby of the theater, take your money, and punch you in the face…at least that won’t take two hours out of your day.
 
*Spoilers*
Do you know what I hate MOST about movies like this, the fact that they change the original story so much. Zombies are introduced to us in the first movie as slow and uncoordinated. In this movie they are faster, they can SWIM (which should be impossible) and they they can ride motorcycles. Yep. No joke. They ride motorcycles. That should be enough to make you never want to see this movie.
We are also, rather unfortunately, given the information that there are piles and pile and piles of clones of each person from the past movies. They bring Wesker back to HELP the good guys too. How the hell does that make sense?
 
 

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