Resident Evil: Retribution is less fun than watching a sack
full of puppies drown….slowly
One of the coolest video games that I can remember playing
when I was younger was Resident Evil. It was released in 1997 and, honestly,
was the greatest thing that I had ever played at that point in my life. It was
extremely well designed, had lots of puzzles and tricks, was one of the first
games that I can remember where you had to conserve your ammunition, and was
easily the scariest thing in the world to play with the lights off. Either that
or “Bloody Mary”. So with all of those wonderful things going for it you would
think that it could continue to produce interesting movies. Unfortunately this
installment reminded me more of the night that I was playing the game barefoot
and stepped on a piece of broken glass.
Storyline: Alice (Jovovich) wakes up inside of an Umbrella
facility and must find a way to break free from her captors. While trying to
escape she finds many of her past friends, some that were thought to be dead,
have returned to confront her. While on the run she begins to see how badly the
T-Virus has continue to destroy the world and just how far the power of
Umbrella can reach.
There is a surreal moment that I experience when I realize
that a movie is going to be horrible. It’s that moment where you start to look
around at the rest of the audience and see if their facial expressions have
that same look of disappointment that you can feel on your own. Luckily, after
about fifteen minutes of having that feeling, I noticed that everyone was
sharing my pain with me. Not since the disastrously unwatchable film
Ultraviolet (also a Milla Jovovich film) was released have I had to fight the
overwhelming urge to throw my drink at the screen and storm out. This movie is
the equivalent of the yellow Starburst that no one seems to ever want, it’s the
full tray of butter cookies sitting beside an empty tray that once held
chocolate chip, it’s the fruitcake that no one ate at Christmas….this movie is
unenjoyable!
Worth the admission? NEVER! I would rather be infected with
the T-Virus than to recommend this movie to someone. Vomiting leaves less of a
bad aftertaste than this movie did. The first two movies in this franchise were
really fun, the third was getting a little far fetched (even for the subject
matter), the fourth was bad and this one was unwatchable. At this rate of
decomposition the idea for the sixth movie (which they have already said WILL
be made) will be to have someone stand in the lobby of the theater, take your
money, and punch you in the face…at least that won’t take two hours out of your
day.
*Spoilers*
Do you know what I hate MOST about movies like this, the fact that they change the original story so much. Zombies are introduced to us in the first movie as slow and uncoordinated. In this movie they are faster, they can SWIM (which should be impossible) and they they can ride motorcycles. Yep. No joke. They ride motorcycles. That should be enough to make you never want to see this movie.
We are also, rather unfortunately, given the information that there are piles and pile and piles of clones of each person from the past movies. They bring Wesker back to HELP the good guys too. How the hell does that make sense?
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